Week Five: Preparing for Marriage

Preparing for marriage should start with intentional, thoughtful dating.  Something called the "Know-Quo" is also a good way to help gauge how well you're getting to know someone while dating.  The "Know-Quo" goes like this:

1. Talk (mutual self-disclosure)

2. Time (research says about 3+ months is a good amount of time to really get to know someone)

3. Togetherness (variety of situations which simulate being married situations)

Here's a little fun fact that correlates "the three p's" describing men's responsibilities in marriage from The Family: A Proclamation to the World to three "p's" another General Authority used to describe how dating should be:

Dating               Marriage

Planned  --------  Preside

Paid for  --------   Provide

Paired off -------  Protect

Do you see any correlation between the lists?  I do.  Just another way to see that proper dating methods can lead to fulfilling proper and successful marriage responsibilities.  

Another good way to measure the health of a relationship is using something called R.A.M., which stands for Relationship Attachment Model.  Shown on a chart, these all have different levels (like 1-10) of how involved or "full" they are.  Here are the five topics and the level they should be at during a dating relationship:

1. Know (this should be highest level/importance) (ex. 10 out of 10)

2. Trust (should be the 2nd highest level)  (ex. 8 out of 10)

3. Rely (typically the 3rd highest level)  

4. Commit (the 4th highest level)

5. Touch (something personal that should be rated the lowest level out of the five)

*It's important to note that lower levels should rise to be equal with higher levels, but in a proper course of time and steps of the relationship.  

A big reason why cohabiting relationships do not seem to be helping people prepare for marriage is because the "levels" of these five topics are extremely unbalanced and skewed for them.  Research is showing that cohabitation is actually not a good way to prepare for marriage.  

Just to end this post, I believe marriage to be based on faith and work.  Where there's fear and doubt there can't be faith.  These are just some guidelines based on research that I wanted to share, but ultimately, in my opinion, it is a decision between two people and God as to how they should most properly prepare for marriage.  So when dating and preparing for marriage keep in mind the research, have faith, do what is right, and prepare for marriage.  

Week Four: Gender and Family Life

Now, let me start by saying that this post might be a little more "touchy" than the others, so keep that in mind as you read.

Men and women are different.  Boys and girls start act differently starting shortly after birth.  Lets seem some of these differences that we noticed while discussing our observations from life and readings:

Women
Sensitive
Detail oriented
Navigate by landmarks
Cooperative
Relationship oriented
White matter (in the brain) making connections

Men
Aggressive
Spacial oriented (north, south, etc.)
Competitive
Self-reliant
Task oriented
Grey matter (in the brain) processing things

Before you jump to any conclusions, I am in no way stating that all women or all men have and/or are defined by all these qualities or traits.  However, I am acknowledging that these are typically common among most people of these genders.  There seems to be a distinct difference between men and women, and for many purposes and reasons. And despite this known fact about our differences, some men may have womanly traits, while some women may have more manly traits.  Now, just because someone might be born with these behavioral traits doesn't mean that they'll innately have same-gender attraction tendencies.  In fact, those seem to be developed due to a pattern that Bro. Williams seems to have noticed in his studies and through clinical research and observation.

Ready for the touchy subject?  Most people with same-gender attraction seem to have gone through a similar pattern as the one I am about to share as described by Bro. Williams.  First, there are a few differences at birth which might lead to gender typical (GT) or gender A-typical (GA) behaviors.  These behaviors lead to personal and peer activities that are either GT or GA associated.  Unfortunately, this is where some differences seem to be "spotted" between them and others their age.  The sad truth is that around this time many of these young people shortly thereafter have an erotic experience where they are either act or are acted upon by someone and in one way or another sexualized.   This is a horrific thing, and once again, I state it is a touchy topic.  But after this process of behavior, activities, and sexualization occur is typically when the "identity" of same-gender attraction occurs.

The pattern I just explained is not the case for all males or females who feel attracted to the same gender, but is proven to be the case for many of them.  In the end, what everyone wants is to have an intimate (now remember, I mean that as in closeness and love, not just a sexual way) relationship with someone.  Everyone wants to be wanted.

Men and Women are different for a number of reasons.  There are specific family roles that are designated for each gender, for divine purposes.  Each of us can find within ourselves our true nature and character and know from God himself how we can fulfill our purposes and roles, no matter what obstacles or trials we may be facing.

Week Three: Social Class and Cultural Diversity

In Week Two I mentioned "boundaries", but I decided to wait until this post to explain them a little more clearly.  "Boundaries" can be looked at as how open or closed we are to people in our relationships to them.  For example, there might be rigid, permeable (clear), or poor (diffused) boundaries.

Rigid Boundaries include little exchange between two people.  For example, this might be a good boundary to have between two people who break up.  An ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend rarely need to be close after a break up.  Sometimes this boundary is created after a divorce, family conflicts, or death of a family member.
Permeable Boundaries would be a healthy and appropriate relationship with a quality exchange between persons.  A good example of this could be drawn around a couple who just got married.  It's important that both the husband and wife are close together, but that there is a boundary between them and their parents.  This isn't to say that extended family is forever shut out of their lives, but that the dynamics of intimacy have change in a healthy way in the starting of a new family unit.
Poor Boundaries are ones that are easily violated and seem to be overly-open or unclear as to where the lines are.  These might be created between persons such persons as sisters who were very close and shared everything this each other, but now that one of them is married, there might be some things that don't need to be mentioned.  Keeping this boundary too open might cause problems between people.  This type of boundary would be very dangerous if created between co-workers, something I would even call inappropriate.

The reason I included these boundaries in this weeks post is because depending on our social class and cultural we might be prone to more distinct boundaries than others, almost naturally.  Does money, mannerisms, education, or religion play a role in the boundaries we create between family members and friends?  I think there is an influence there, whether we want it to be or not.  Now, this doesn't mean that boundaries can't be changed or redefined.  In fact, that is encouraged when changes occur to our family units.  Also, depending on what our cultural background is, we might be might have certain sets of rules, boundaries, or structures in place that seem natural and right to us, but unethical or extreme to there people.

Week Two: Understanding Family Dynamics and Theories

There are a number of systems theories, or "boundaries", that help our family relationships develop in a healthy manner, or at least increase understanding within an intimate group of people.  Lets review them!

Exchange Theory
This is based on the "What's in it for me?" mentality when deciding to do or say something.  For example, a husband might think that if he cleans the kitchen his wife will be more likely to make him a delicious dinner.  In this story we see that the motivation to lean the kitchen wasn't necessarily love or duty, but rather the hope to get a good meal out of doing something for someone else.

Symbolic Interaction Theory
Do you ever analyze what you do or consider the consequences outside influences have upon your actions?  In this theory our habits and actions are looked at and interpreted while taking into consideration the experiences that surround us.  This theory allows for analysis of what these interactions mean to us and to other people.  An example of could be how a couple who originally wants to have only two or three kids rethink their future family size after interacting with a family consisting of eight children.

Conflict Theory
Conflict is typically looked at as something bad, but that may not always be the case.  This theory does include what I would call "negative conflict", where there is a struggle between persons for control or power often carried about by arguing and fighting.  But I can also see something I call "positive conflict" in it.  It's true that when two people marry they are bringing different ideas, interests, needs, and goals together, along with similar ones, however, this doesn't mean that when there is a disagreement, or in other words conflict, that it's bad.  As stated in class, "how we handle the conflict [is what] can be good or bad."  Learning from one another's points of view, adapting our dreams to someone else's, or incorporating additional ways of doing things to the list of our own can be wonderful outcomes to what we might consider a "conflict" or "problem".