Week Ten: Fathers and Finances

According to The Family: A Proclamation to the World, a father's primary responsibilities are to preside, provide, and protect their family.  When planning what job to take a the provider of a family it is always important to weigh the benefits and the costs.  To see is something is really worth is, I like to look at it in this way:

 Benefits

-Costs   

Real worth

This is to say that if a job has benefits to it (and I don't mean just financial, but whatever is best of your family, which might also mean time at home on the weekends or evenings, or possibly having Sunday and Monday off instead of the weekend, etc.) and the costs (or negative effects to your job whatever they may be for you and your wife) aren't too high, or they don't out weigh the benefits, then it is probably a good decision to make.  It is important to follow the Spirit and Heavenly Father's guidance when making this decision on how you'll provide for your family.  

I'm personally willing to do everything I can in order to create what Michelle and I want for our family.  She wants more than anything to be a stay-at-home mom with our kids and to not work outside the home.  I am in full support of that and will work whatever jobs I have to or can in order to make it happen.  Also, I'm extremely committed to making sure I'll be home for her when she and the family needs me.  Somehow I know all of that will work out, and it's motivation, purpose, and dedication as a husband and future father.  Do you have a plan and goals for your family? If not, take time to ponder and discuss what would be best for your family.  

Week Nine: Communication and Mutual Problem Solving

Have you ever wondered how someone interprets what you're saying?  When we're communicating with other people they actually understand and interpret more than just our words in order to "get" our message.  Here's a breakdown of what they base the message given on while "talking":

14% your words

35% your tone

51% your non-verbal communication

This should cause one to become more intentional when communicating.  When talking to our family, friends, co-workers, etc., we should pay close attention to not only what we are saying, but also how we're saying it, and what we're doing when we say it, because they could be receiving a very different message than the one we're intending to give if we aren't careful.

Another way to look at how to communicate in marriage is to "play poker with your cards down on the table".  In other words, don't hide your feelings or thoughts creating a personal or hidden agenda for what should you want.  Be open and honest.

Also, when communicating or trying to solve marital conflicts, try to avoid extreme statements or comparisons.  An example of these that seems to be said between many couples, or even family member, is, "If you really loved me, then..."  This does not give your spouse any benefit of the doubt in the situation, and quite frankly can easily be taken as an attack on their integrity and desire to love.  Everyone is different.  A better way to approach a difficult situation might be so simply ask for help.  This requires some humility on each person's part for it to work, but it can give miraculous results.  For example, if your spouse doesn't do the dishes, don't say, "If you really loved me then you'd do the dishes!"  Simply ask, "Hey honey, I'm kind of busy doing something right now, can you help me by doing he dishes tonight?  I'd really appreciate it."  I think that 9 times out of 10 that will go over very well.

Lastly for this week I want to touch on the principle of power.  There is great power in marriage.  What I mean by this is that there are an infinite amount of ways to influence your spouse's thoughts, feelings, and behavior.  Marriage is a great practice for aligning your will with someone else's.  Sometimes you'll have to give into an idea and learn, but other times you'll have to lead with your idea and act first.   This is great for learning how to align your will to God's.  As both husband, wife, and Heavenly Father work at communicating and problem solving, their will be greater unity of idea and purpose.  

Week Eight: The Family Under Stress

This week we studied and discussed how events and experiences can shape family relations and influence the dynamics of the family system.  It is important to know and understand what occurs to each family member during an event, specifically the stressful or life changing ones.  Examples of these could be anywhere ranging from a child being diagnosed with an illness or going to college, to parents being divorced or substance abuse by a family member being discovered.  These are more extreme events that may or may not happen to a family, but every family undergoes stressful, life changing challenges and experiences.  Let's see what creates that experience for each individual member of the family using what we call the "ABC=X" model.

  Actual Event
  Behavioral Responses
+Cognitions (individual thoughts)
 eXperience

I'll explain each of these.  The Actual Event is usually about the same for everyone.  An example could be that the dad of a family broke his leg at work falling off a ladder.  The Behavioral Responses of each member of the family will be different though.  Dad might not be as playful with the kids, mom could be stressed with pressure to find a job, and the kids will potentially try and help dad because he can't always do what he used to.  The Cognitions of each family member will differ drastically.  Dad probably has guilty thoughts of "how dumb of me to fall," or "What can I do to support my family through this?"  Meanwhile, mom thinks something like, "Why wasn't my husband more careful?  Does he realize that by being hurt I now have to find a job and help support us and watch the kids?"  The kids however, depending on their age could think along the lines of, "Now daddy will be home with us more," or, "Maybe I'll have to start working too instead of going out with friends in order to help provide for us."

If we step back and look at each family members perspective we can see that the actual event appears to be relatively the same for all member of the family, but the behavioral responses and cognitions are drastically different.  This is what creates each individuals Experience in a family event or crisis.  A similar application of the ABC=X model could be used to understand happy and positive family events as well.  It's important to note that just because the "event" might only be directly related to one member of the family, usually everyone in the family will be effected by it because of their individual experiences caused by it.

Being able to see the experiences of each family member (not just the event, but behaviors and cognitions of each person) will increase our understanding of each other and help us to keep our families as close as possible, especially while under stress.

Week Seven: Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

So... I bet a lot of you aren't very open to the "sex" topic being discussed in public, but it is a very important part of marriage, which effects family life.  This being a Family Relations class, it's inevitable to discuss the topic.  I truly do not mean any disrespect to anyone with my comments, nor do I want to mistreat what I know to be a very personal and sacred topic.  Also, it is important for parents to know how to educate their children about sexual intimacy.  With all that being said, and knowing that it is nevertheless a taboo subject for some people (but one that must be mentioned), I'll keep this post a little more broad in order to respect not only the sacredness of the topic, but the comfort of you folks.  And I'll split this post up into two section with bold lettering in case you just want to read about one of the two topics.

Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

First of all, I want to mention the sacredness of sexual intimacy.  The act in itself is not bad, or anything to be ashamed of, but should be reserved for and kept within marriage.  Adam and Eve were commanded to "multiply and replenish the earth", which we know is done through having sexual relations.  The sacred act of two people being so close with each other and God is something I do not wish to desecrate or downplay.  However, I do want to mention only a few of the facts and challenges to this aspect of the family life.  

I'll start by saying that along with the "typical" organs mentioned in "sex-ed." classes from middle and high school, the brain is also a very important organ in intercourse.  There is a release of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin during intercourse, which is part of what makes it such a desirable act.  It creates happy feelings, a sense of well being, and even chemical bonding within the brain and body.  

Next, it is important for couples to know that typically women need safety to have sex, and men need sex to feel safety within a marriage.  It seems to be part of our mentalities and chemical make-up.  Some of the challenges that could arise with this, especially among recently married couples, are that of one's focus during intercourse, feelings of safety and security, the understanding of how each other's bodies respond, the frequency of sex, and being comfortable, even with oneself.  

In order to have healthy sexual intimacy as a married couple it needs to be a selfless act in which the husband and wife can grow closer together.  

Teaching Sexual Intimacy to Our Children

Now lets switch gears a little bit and talk about how parents can teach their children about sexual intimacy in comfortable, appropriate, and loving ways.  

Lets face it, this is a tough topic to talk about.  I'll just keep this short with two list, a list of "Do's" and a list of "Don't's".  Sound good?  Ok.

When approaching the subject of sexual intimacy, or being approached about the subject:

DO
1. Talk about it openly and appropriately
2. Make it relate to what they know
3. Approach the topic early in the child's life (the world will teach them sooner than you think)
4. Make it a reoccurring  conversation and topic to build upon
5. Keep it fun (as to avoid the "taboo-ness", but also remember that it's sacred)

DON'T

1. Shut down the topic

2. Let fear over-ride what should be said

3. Wait until someone else teaches them about it or rely on their messages (friends, school, the media, etc.)
4. Leave it to just one parent to discuss
5. Have just one conversation

Week Six: Transitions in Marriage

Some of the trends we are starting to see relative to marriage are:
-delaying marriage (averaging between ages 26-28 now)
-delaying children (postponing having them and reducing the number of kids born into a family)
-cohabitation
-same-sex cohabitation
-individualism
-rise in divorce
-fewer people who marry at all

Now, these are things that seem to be "trends in the world".  Even though patterns are emerging that seem to be effecting marriage and families in a negative way, there are still things we can do to successfully prepare for marriage at a younger age in order to have and maintain happy relationships and families.

Three symbolic indicators that will help shape how the relationship will be in the future are mutual decision making, the focus, and establishing patterns.  These can help the relationship or hinder it's progress depending on how the couple communicates about them.  It is very important to note that the way a marriage starts will make a huge difference in the first few years, but also will potentially affect the marriage throughout life.  There are often little adjustments that are to be made soon after the wedding which will help increase understanding and create a solid foundation upon which the rest of the marriage and communication within it may build.

It is important to create a new and independent family unit once married.  Important things to do together, especially at the beginning of a marriage are:
-make choices and decisions
-be actively involved in each others lives
-activities together
-act on intelligence, not urges or instincts
-date nights
-inter-change roles (ex. if the wife always cooks, have the husband cook, etc.)
-talk about future events (like the birth of the first child) and how you picture it being (ex. who will be present, how involved, when, etc.)
-share dreams and goals with each other
-be honest

It is most important to maximize every opportunity given you to strengthen the most important unit, and that is the unit of husband and wife.  I know I directed a lot of these thoughts to recently married couples, but the ideas and patters should be recognized and observed throughout life.