Week Twelve: Divorce, Remarriage, and Aging Families

This can be a topic that hits close to the heart for some people.  I personally come from a family where my parents are divorced and both have since remarried.  In this post I want to not only give some of my personal thoughts and feelings about divorce and remarriage, but also a little bit of history and research information.


Prior to the late 1960s, divorces were very hard to have and were usually only given if there was a severe case of physical abuse, serious neglect, and in come cases of adultery.  However, in 1968 a no-fault divorce act was passed which allowed a divorce to be given regardless of evidence or motives for the splitting of the marriage.  There was a steep incline in divorces from the late 1960s to 1980s, but the rates have since leveled off, and in fact are showing some signs of decline.  Some states are now offering what they call "covenant marriages" instead of a "regular contract marriage" that promotes greater commitment and makes a divorce more difficult to obtain.  This may sound similar to a temple sealing/marriage, but their is one unique distinction.  A state covenant marriage is a covenant and promise between husband and wife, or two people, whereas a temple marriage/sealing is both the husband and wife covenanting with God, or between man/woman and God, about their obligations to their spouse.

Now, even with covenants between man and man or God and man, divorces still occur and some families are "blended", "step", "mixed", or whatever you want to call it.  Some ideas for helping made a remarried family work with step-parents and step-siblings could be:
1.  As a step-parent, be a friend and assume parenting roles one at a time.  Don't take the SWAT approach, kick in the door, start laying down "the rules", and begin "The Reign of Bob" or whatever your name is.  There is respect, love, and understanding to be learned and earned between step-parents and step-siblings.  (refer to my parenting post for more information)
2.  Start your own traditions.  From my own personal experience, I remember fun family vacation trips to Disneyland, matching pajamas and silly string fights on Christmas, Mexican food Thanksgiving, game nights, and more with my family.  Those moments seem to be what connected my family the most and made us "one" with each other.
3.  Consider the kids.  When possible, be as respectful of each parent involved in the child's life.  Talk kindly about each other (especially in front of the kids, whether they're yours or not).  Also, don't put them in compromising situations where they have to choose between parents (especially before their teenage years).

There are many ripple effects and ramifications from divorce and remarriage.  If there are marital problems, it is always best to avoid divorce and work as hard as you can on making your marriage work.  Everyone will have weaknesses, faults, and things you "don't like" about them, but learning how to change one's self and become accepting of  your spouse's differences will help make a marriage last.  Humility, repentance, and forgiveness are key to a happy and successful marriage, and when implemented properly, will make any family work and last forever.

Week Eleven: Parenting

Now, considering I've yet to have a son or daughter of my own, I am no expert in this topic.  But despite my lack of personal experience in this field, research and class discussion has been helpful in formulating ideas and methods for parenting.  If you have good ideas as well, feel free to add your two cents or experiences to this post so I can learn more :)

First off, I want to put one of my opinions on what one of the purpose of parenting is.  I believe it is an amazing opportunity for gaining insights into God's life and to have God-like experiences.  To create life and then nurture, guide, council, and love your children is exactly what God does for us.  Also, the being a father or mother is something from which one is never released.  The amount of influence may change over time, but a father and a mother have those titles and responsibilities as their callings forever.

With that being said, I now want to look at some parenting purposes and techniques.  Hopefully these make sense...
Lets start with "responsibility".  Parents are responsible for helping their children become responsible, or response-able.  This is done by providing age appropriate choices that relate to the situations they are currently facing in life.  It is also informing and showing the natural consequences of their actions.  Children should learn as much as possible from natural occurring consequences to their actions instead of learning from consequences made up or inflicted by the parents.  Now, this isn't to say that a parent should neglectfully and knowingly let their 16 year old go to a party and drink thinking, "Once he's hammered and wakes up with a head ache not remembering what happened he'll know not to do it again," because that's the "natural consequence".  Parents also have the responsibility to help guide their children by informing them of the consequences that could happen from certain actions so they can make the wisest decisions.   This can be done by creating logical consequences as an alternative to letting the natural consequences happen.  Logical consequences are a simulation to what could happen "naturally" through experience that are related to the problem at hand.


Another element to being a successful parent is to help your children have their needs met through active parenting.  Basic needs of a child are:
1. Contact and Belonging: providing frequent and appropriate contact (hugs, kisses, hand on a shoulder, tickling, etc.) and creating a way for them to contribute to the family (because kids love to help)
2. Power: encourage responsibility, choices, and consequences
3. Protection: teach them how to be assertive and forgiving (this is most easily done by being assertive and forgiving as a parent).

There are more elements to active parenting, but I think this is a good start.

Week Ten: Fathers and Finances

According to The Family: A Proclamation to the World, a father's primary responsibilities are to preside, provide, and protect their family.  When planning what job to take a the provider of a family it is always important to weigh the benefits and the costs.  To see is something is really worth is, I like to look at it in this way:

 Benefits

-Costs   

Real worth

This is to say that if a job has benefits to it (and I don't mean just financial, but whatever is best of your family, which might also mean time at home on the weekends or evenings, or possibly having Sunday and Monday off instead of the weekend, etc.) and the costs (or negative effects to your job whatever they may be for you and your wife) aren't too high, or they don't out weigh the benefits, then it is probably a good decision to make.  It is important to follow the Spirit and Heavenly Father's guidance when making this decision on how you'll provide for your family.  

I'm personally willing to do everything I can in order to create what Michelle and I want for our family.  She wants more than anything to be a stay-at-home mom with our kids and to not work outside the home.  I am in full support of that and will work whatever jobs I have to or can in order to make it happen.  Also, I'm extremely committed to making sure I'll be home for her when she and the family needs me.  Somehow I know all of that will work out, and it's motivation, purpose, and dedication as a husband and future father.  Do you have a plan and goals for your family? If not, take time to ponder and discuss what would be best for your family.  

Week Nine: Communication and Mutual Problem Solving

Have you ever wondered how someone interprets what you're saying?  When we're communicating with other people they actually understand and interpret more than just our words in order to "get" our message.  Here's a breakdown of what they base the message given on while "talking":

14% your words

35% your tone

51% your non-verbal communication

This should cause one to become more intentional when communicating.  When talking to our family, friends, co-workers, etc., we should pay close attention to not only what we are saying, but also how we're saying it, and what we're doing when we say it, because they could be receiving a very different message than the one we're intending to give if we aren't careful.

Another way to look at how to communicate in marriage is to "play poker with your cards down on the table".  In other words, don't hide your feelings or thoughts creating a personal or hidden agenda for what should you want.  Be open and honest.

Also, when communicating or trying to solve marital conflicts, try to avoid extreme statements or comparisons.  An example of these that seems to be said between many couples, or even family member, is, "If you really loved me, then..."  This does not give your spouse any benefit of the doubt in the situation, and quite frankly can easily be taken as an attack on their integrity and desire to love.  Everyone is different.  A better way to approach a difficult situation might be so simply ask for help.  This requires some humility on each person's part for it to work, but it can give miraculous results.  For example, if your spouse doesn't do the dishes, don't say, "If you really loved me then you'd do the dishes!"  Simply ask, "Hey honey, I'm kind of busy doing something right now, can you help me by doing he dishes tonight?  I'd really appreciate it."  I think that 9 times out of 10 that will go over very well.

Lastly for this week I want to touch on the principle of power.  There is great power in marriage.  What I mean by this is that there are an infinite amount of ways to influence your spouse's thoughts, feelings, and behavior.  Marriage is a great practice for aligning your will with someone else's.  Sometimes you'll have to give into an idea and learn, but other times you'll have to lead with your idea and act first.   This is great for learning how to align your will to God's.  As both husband, wife, and Heavenly Father work at communicating and problem solving, their will be greater unity of idea and purpose.  

Week Eight: The Family Under Stress

This week we studied and discussed how events and experiences can shape family relations and influence the dynamics of the family system.  It is important to know and understand what occurs to each family member during an event, specifically the stressful or life changing ones.  Examples of these could be anywhere ranging from a child being diagnosed with an illness or going to college, to parents being divorced or substance abuse by a family member being discovered.  These are more extreme events that may or may not happen to a family, but every family undergoes stressful, life changing challenges and experiences.  Let's see what creates that experience for each individual member of the family using what we call the "ABC=X" model.

  Actual Event
  Behavioral Responses
+Cognitions (individual thoughts)
 eXperience

I'll explain each of these.  The Actual Event is usually about the same for everyone.  An example could be that the dad of a family broke his leg at work falling off a ladder.  The Behavioral Responses of each member of the family will be different though.  Dad might not be as playful with the kids, mom could be stressed with pressure to find a job, and the kids will potentially try and help dad because he can't always do what he used to.  The Cognitions of each family member will differ drastically.  Dad probably has guilty thoughts of "how dumb of me to fall," or "What can I do to support my family through this?"  Meanwhile, mom thinks something like, "Why wasn't my husband more careful?  Does he realize that by being hurt I now have to find a job and help support us and watch the kids?"  The kids however, depending on their age could think along the lines of, "Now daddy will be home with us more," or, "Maybe I'll have to start working too instead of going out with friends in order to help provide for us."

If we step back and look at each family members perspective we can see that the actual event appears to be relatively the same for all member of the family, but the behavioral responses and cognitions are drastically different.  This is what creates each individuals Experience in a family event or crisis.  A similar application of the ABC=X model could be used to understand happy and positive family events as well.  It's important to note that just because the "event" might only be directly related to one member of the family, usually everyone in the family will be effected by it because of their individual experiences caused by it.

Being able to see the experiences of each family member (not just the event, but behaviors and cognitions of each person) will increase our understanding of each other and help us to keep our families as close as possible, especially while under stress.

Week Seven: Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

So... I bet a lot of you aren't very open to the "sex" topic being discussed in public, but it is a very important part of marriage, which effects family life.  This being a Family Relations class, it's inevitable to discuss the topic.  I truly do not mean any disrespect to anyone with my comments, nor do I want to mistreat what I know to be a very personal and sacred topic.  Also, it is important for parents to know how to educate their children about sexual intimacy.  With all that being said, and knowing that it is nevertheless a taboo subject for some people (but one that must be mentioned), I'll keep this post a little more broad in order to respect not only the sacredness of the topic, but the comfort of you folks.  And I'll split this post up into two section with bold lettering in case you just want to read about one of the two topics.

Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

First of all, I want to mention the sacredness of sexual intimacy.  The act in itself is not bad, or anything to be ashamed of, but should be reserved for and kept within marriage.  Adam and Eve were commanded to "multiply and replenish the earth", which we know is done through having sexual relations.  The sacred act of two people being so close with each other and God is something I do not wish to desecrate or downplay.  However, I do want to mention only a few of the facts and challenges to this aspect of the family life.  

I'll start by saying that along with the "typical" organs mentioned in "sex-ed." classes from middle and high school, the brain is also a very important organ in intercourse.  There is a release of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin during intercourse, which is part of what makes it such a desirable act.  It creates happy feelings, a sense of well being, and even chemical bonding within the brain and body.  

Next, it is important for couples to know that typically women need safety to have sex, and men need sex to feel safety within a marriage.  It seems to be part of our mentalities and chemical make-up.  Some of the challenges that could arise with this, especially among recently married couples, are that of one's focus during intercourse, feelings of safety and security, the understanding of how each other's bodies respond, the frequency of sex, and being comfortable, even with oneself.  

In order to have healthy sexual intimacy as a married couple it needs to be a selfless act in which the husband and wife can grow closer together.  

Teaching Sexual Intimacy to Our Children

Now lets switch gears a little bit and talk about how parents can teach their children about sexual intimacy in comfortable, appropriate, and loving ways.  

Lets face it, this is a tough topic to talk about.  I'll just keep this short with two list, a list of "Do's" and a list of "Don't's".  Sound good?  Ok.

When approaching the subject of sexual intimacy, or being approached about the subject:

DO
1. Talk about it openly and appropriately
2. Make it relate to what they know
3. Approach the topic early in the child's life (the world will teach them sooner than you think)
4. Make it a reoccurring  conversation and topic to build upon
5. Keep it fun (as to avoid the "taboo-ness", but also remember that it's sacred)

DON'T

1. Shut down the topic

2. Let fear over-ride what should be said

3. Wait until someone else teaches them about it or rely on their messages (friends, school, the media, etc.)
4. Leave it to just one parent to discuss
5. Have just one conversation

Week Six: Transitions in Marriage

Some of the trends we are starting to see relative to marriage are:
-delaying marriage (averaging between ages 26-28 now)
-delaying children (postponing having them and reducing the number of kids born into a family)
-cohabitation
-same-sex cohabitation
-individualism
-rise in divorce
-fewer people who marry at all

Now, these are things that seem to be "trends in the world".  Even though patterns are emerging that seem to be effecting marriage and families in a negative way, there are still things we can do to successfully prepare for marriage at a younger age in order to have and maintain happy relationships and families.

Three symbolic indicators that will help shape how the relationship will be in the future are mutual decision making, the focus, and establishing patterns.  These can help the relationship or hinder it's progress depending on how the couple communicates about them.  It is very important to note that the way a marriage starts will make a huge difference in the first few years, but also will potentially affect the marriage throughout life.  There are often little adjustments that are to be made soon after the wedding which will help increase understanding and create a solid foundation upon which the rest of the marriage and communication within it may build.

It is important to create a new and independent family unit once married.  Important things to do together, especially at the beginning of a marriage are:
-make choices and decisions
-be actively involved in each others lives
-activities together
-act on intelligence, not urges or instincts
-date nights
-inter-change roles (ex. if the wife always cooks, have the husband cook, etc.)
-talk about future events (like the birth of the first child) and how you picture it being (ex. who will be present, how involved, when, etc.)
-share dreams and goals with each other
-be honest

It is most important to maximize every opportunity given you to strengthen the most important unit, and that is the unit of husband and wife.  I know I directed a lot of these thoughts to recently married couples, but the ideas and patters should be recognized and observed throughout life.

Week Five: Preparing for Marriage

Preparing for marriage should start with intentional, thoughtful dating.  Something called the "Know-Quo" is also a good way to help gauge how well you're getting to know someone while dating.  The "Know-Quo" goes like this:

1. Talk (mutual self-disclosure)

2. Time (research says about 3+ months is a good amount of time to really get to know someone)

3. Togetherness (variety of situations which simulate being married situations)

Here's a little fun fact that correlates "the three p's" describing men's responsibilities in marriage from The Family: A Proclamation to the World to three "p's" another General Authority used to describe how dating should be:

Dating               Marriage

Planned  --------  Preside

Paid for  --------   Provide

Paired off -------  Protect

Do you see any correlation between the lists?  I do.  Just another way to see that proper dating methods can lead to fulfilling proper and successful marriage responsibilities.  

Another good way to measure the health of a relationship is using something called R.A.M., which stands for Relationship Attachment Model.  Shown on a chart, these all have different levels (like 1-10) of how involved or "full" they are.  Here are the five topics and the level they should be at during a dating relationship:

1. Know (this should be highest level/importance) (ex. 10 out of 10)

2. Trust (should be the 2nd highest level)  (ex. 8 out of 10)

3. Rely (typically the 3rd highest level)  

4. Commit (the 4th highest level)

5. Touch (something personal that should be rated the lowest level out of the five)

*It's important to note that lower levels should rise to be equal with higher levels, but in a proper course of time and steps of the relationship.  

A big reason why cohabiting relationships do not seem to be helping people prepare for marriage is because the "levels" of these five topics are extremely unbalanced and skewed for them.  Research is showing that cohabitation is actually not a good way to prepare for marriage.  

Just to end this post, I believe marriage to be based on faith and work.  Where there's fear and doubt there can't be faith.  These are just some guidelines based on research that I wanted to share, but ultimately, in my opinion, it is a decision between two people and God as to how they should most properly prepare for marriage.  So when dating and preparing for marriage keep in mind the research, have faith, do what is right, and prepare for marriage.  

Week Four: Gender and Family Life

Now, let me start by saying that this post might be a little more "touchy" than the others, so keep that in mind as you read.

Men and women are different.  Boys and girls start act differently starting shortly after birth.  Lets seem some of these differences that we noticed while discussing our observations from life and readings:

Women
Sensitive
Detail oriented
Navigate by landmarks
Cooperative
Relationship oriented
White matter (in the brain) making connections

Men
Aggressive
Spacial oriented (north, south, etc.)
Competitive
Self-reliant
Task oriented
Grey matter (in the brain) processing things

Before you jump to any conclusions, I am in no way stating that all women or all men have and/or are defined by all these qualities or traits.  However, I am acknowledging that these are typically common among most people of these genders.  There seems to be a distinct difference between men and women, and for many purposes and reasons. And despite this known fact about our differences, some men may have womanly traits, while some women may have more manly traits.  Now, just because someone might be born with these behavioral traits doesn't mean that they'll innately have same-gender attraction tendencies.  In fact, those seem to be developed due to a pattern that Bro. Williams seems to have noticed in his studies and through clinical research and observation.

Ready for the touchy subject?  Most people with same-gender attraction seem to have gone through a similar pattern as the one I am about to share as described by Bro. Williams.  First, there are a few differences at birth which might lead to gender typical (GT) or gender A-typical (GA) behaviors.  These behaviors lead to personal and peer activities that are either GT or GA associated.  Unfortunately, this is where some differences seem to be "spotted" between them and others their age.  The sad truth is that around this time many of these young people shortly thereafter have an erotic experience where they are either act or are acted upon by someone and in one way or another sexualized.   This is a horrific thing, and once again, I state it is a touchy topic.  But after this process of behavior, activities, and sexualization occur is typically when the "identity" of same-gender attraction occurs.

The pattern I just explained is not the case for all males or females who feel attracted to the same gender, but is proven to be the case for many of them.  In the end, what everyone wants is to have an intimate (now remember, I mean that as in closeness and love, not just a sexual way) relationship with someone.  Everyone wants to be wanted.

Men and Women are different for a number of reasons.  There are specific family roles that are designated for each gender, for divine purposes.  Each of us can find within ourselves our true nature and character and know from God himself how we can fulfill our purposes and roles, no matter what obstacles or trials we may be facing.

Week Three: Social Class and Cultural Diversity

In Week Two I mentioned "boundaries", but I decided to wait until this post to explain them a little more clearly.  "Boundaries" can be looked at as how open or closed we are to people in our relationships to them.  For example, there might be rigid, permeable (clear), or poor (diffused) boundaries.

Rigid Boundaries include little exchange between two people.  For example, this might be a good boundary to have between two people who break up.  An ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend rarely need to be close after a break up.  Sometimes this boundary is created after a divorce, family conflicts, or death of a family member.
Permeable Boundaries would be a healthy and appropriate relationship with a quality exchange between persons.  A good example of this could be drawn around a couple who just got married.  It's important that both the husband and wife are close together, but that there is a boundary between them and their parents.  This isn't to say that extended family is forever shut out of their lives, but that the dynamics of intimacy have change in a healthy way in the starting of a new family unit.
Poor Boundaries are ones that are easily violated and seem to be overly-open or unclear as to where the lines are.  These might be created between persons such persons as sisters who were very close and shared everything this each other, but now that one of them is married, there might be some things that don't need to be mentioned.  Keeping this boundary too open might cause problems between people.  This type of boundary would be very dangerous if created between co-workers, something I would even call inappropriate.

The reason I included these boundaries in this weeks post is because depending on our social class and cultural we might be prone to more distinct boundaries than others, almost naturally.  Does money, mannerisms, education, or religion play a role in the boundaries we create between family members and friends?  I think there is an influence there, whether we want it to be or not.  Now, this doesn't mean that boundaries can't be changed or redefined.  In fact, that is encouraged when changes occur to our family units.  Also, depending on what our cultural background is, we might be might have certain sets of rules, boundaries, or structures in place that seem natural and right to us, but unethical or extreme to there people.

Week Two: Understanding Family Dynamics and Theories

There are a number of systems theories, or "boundaries", that help our family relationships develop in a healthy manner, or at least increase understanding within an intimate group of people.  Lets review them!

Exchange Theory
This is based on the "What's in it for me?" mentality when deciding to do or say something.  For example, a husband might think that if he cleans the kitchen his wife will be more likely to make him a delicious dinner.  In this story we see that the motivation to lean the kitchen wasn't necessarily love or duty, but rather the hope to get a good meal out of doing something for someone else.

Symbolic Interaction Theory
Do you ever analyze what you do or consider the consequences outside influences have upon your actions?  In this theory our habits and actions are looked at and interpreted while taking into consideration the experiences that surround us.  This theory allows for analysis of what these interactions mean to us and to other people.  An example of could be how a couple who originally wants to have only two or three kids rethink their future family size after interacting with a family consisting of eight children.

Conflict Theory
Conflict is typically looked at as something bad, but that may not always be the case.  This theory does include what I would call "negative conflict", where there is a struggle between persons for control or power often carried about by arguing and fighting.  But I can also see something I call "positive conflict" in it.  It's true that when two people marry they are bringing different ideas, interests, needs, and goals together, along with similar ones, however, this doesn't mean that when there is a disagreement, or in other words conflict, that it's bad.  As stated in class, "how we handle the conflict [is what] can be good or bad."  Learning from one another's points of view, adapting our dreams to someone else's, or incorporating additional ways of doing things to the list of our own can be wonderful outcomes to what we might consider a "conflict" or "problem".

Week One: Social Trends and the Family

I think it is first important to understand how the term "intimacy" will be used.  According to Lauer, it, "involves love, affection, caring, and deep attachment to a friend, lover, spouse, or relative."  Therefore, we can have intimate relationships with a variety of people on a number of different levels or degrees.  This is to avoid loneliness, which is something that no one seeks after or wants.

There are many myths and misunderstanding as to how we should go about achieving proper levels of intimacy in our relationships with others.  Also, there are truths to be followed and research that can help us to properly define our connection to other people in order to live a healthy and happy life.  I hope to be able to provide some information that will help increase an understanding of how to avoid the fallacies of marriage and family life along with truths, studies, and theories that can enhance the marital and family life satisfaction.